Imagine that one day you hear your child at play say to another “The way you throw is so gay.” It seems “gay” has become a catch-all insult. How do you respond?
You could just let it pass. After all, home and family should provide a refuge from the clamor of the outside world. Gay rights are fine, you might think, but social change is something that happens out there, in society, not within our walls. Then again, maybe social change must begin at home. Many heterosexual people –even those who avoid political activity — have become allies in the struggle for civil rights simply by the way they talk to their children. Want to join them? If so, read on for ten things you might say if you want to raise a child who can love, accept, and — as fate might have it –even be a happy person who is gay.
1. “Some day you might meet a special person and decide to spend the rest of your life making a family with him or her.”
Thousands of parents each year learn that their children are gay, and then recall with pain the ways they may have embarrassed or shamed their children simply because they presumed the kids were heterosexual. We who have children who are still young have the chance to treat our children the way many of these older-but-wiser parents wish they had treated their own. We can assume that our children might be straight or gay.
2. “We think you should choose your friends by what they’re like on the inside and how they treat other people, not because they are boys or girls.”
We don’t claim that you can engineer your kid’s sexuality. But think about it: don’t you want to raise your child to value the content of character rather than the shape of the body? If this is true of friendships when they are young, maybe it can also extend to romance as they grow older.
3. “Look, son, Santa brought you just what you asked for: a princess dress!”
Don’t freak out if your daughter wants to be Robin Hood or your son wants to be Cinderella. Subject to your child’s inclinations and tastes, buy clothing and toys without regard to gender (this can be a challenge, since marketing is often shockingly gender specific).
4. “In some places, two men or two women can get married, and some churches and synagogues also celebrate religious weddings for these couples.”
If your daughter comes home from school and says, “I love Betsy so much we’re going to get married!” resist the urge to tell her, “girls can only marry boys.” When you talk to your kids about marriage, describe the current state of affairs accurately, but also help them aspire to a future that is more just.
5. “Uncle Bill likes to date men rather than women.”
Talk with your kids about the LGBT people in your life (relatives, coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members). Answer questions in ways that are simple and matter-of-fact: “Uncle Bill has fallen in love with Joe and they want to be together for the rest of their lives.” Let your kids know that these romantic relationships make Uncle Bill feel happy.
6. “Did you know Harvey Fierstein is gay?”
Broadway giant Harvey Fierstein (better known to kids as the voice of “Yao” in Disney’s Mulan) is only one example of openly gay, prodigiously talented people recognizable to children. Cluing kids in to this diversity is a good thing. We know, we know, “Heather Has Two Mommies” has become short hand for a sort of earnest multi-culturalism that some find easy to dismiss. But remember: Education Secretary Margaret Spelling threatened to cut funding for the PBS children’s program “Letters from Buster” because one episode featured a family headed by two women. In such a world, parents who care about diversity may have to be a little more deliberate.
7. “I’m sorry, son. We can’t join the Boy Scouts because they discriminate against gay people.”
Instead of the Boy Scouts (now famously on record for anti-gay policies), consider the YMCA, Campfire Boys and Girls, or Jewish Community Centers (here is a longer list of kids’ programs that do not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation). If you belong to a group that excludes people or treats them differently because they are gay, either quit or work for change — and let your children see you doing that work.
8. “Is this a ‘welcoming’ house of worship?”
Does your house of worship welcome and affirm LGBT people? Does it countenance openly gay clergy? How (if at all) does it treat issues of human sexuality in religious ed or youth group discussions? You can get involved with your denomination’s national LGBT group and learn how they are working for liturgical or doctrinal reform. If change is not possible and you remain within the fold, at the very least you need to tell your child that your conscience leads you to reject anti-gay elements of the religious doctrine.
9. “Is this school willing to hire gay teachers?”
What will your child learn about homosexuality at school? Explore the curriculum (if any) on puberty, sexuality, or reproduction. Find out if the school library contains resources on sexuality that will be helpful to kids who have questions. Does your child’s middle or high school have a gay-straight alliance? Believe us, parents who don’t support gay rights are asking these questions all the time. Make sure your school hears from a gay supportive perspective, too.
10. “I am so happy and honored that you’ve told me you’re gay, and I want to support you in any way I can.”
This final statement might be the most important of all.
You don’t have to carry a sign, march in a parade, or fly a rainbow flag to support gay rights. You can take small but crucial steps along your daily path, especially in your decisions as a parent. Granted, there’s a lot about sex, sexuality, and politics that’s way too complicated to explain to young children. But that doesn’t mean gay rights issues are taboo. Children understand three things very clearly: love, family, and fairness. And when you get to the heart of it, these values are what the gay rights movement is all about.
Jennifer Gerarda Brown
I especially appreciate #5. It feels incongruous and silly to be completely out to everyone in our life except for young relatives (neices, nephews, younger cousins, etc.) Yet, out of respect for their parents, we wait (and wait and wait) for them to explain sex and sexuality to their own children and end up creating this weird, little, circumstance-specific closet.
Here’s an alternative: be an overbearing homophobic redneck parent to an intelligent and compaasionate child and watch them grow distant from you.
Well, maybe not the best but I’ve seen it.
Parenting can play an important role, but doesn’t it seem like the smart kids just get it right in spite of the nonsense heaped upon them by their parents?
This is the best of the posts on this topic so far–good job!
Now, a question spun off from number five: What do you do in the workplace when people try to sell you Boy Scout merchandise?
poptones:
“Parenting can play an important role, but doesn’t it seem like the smart kids just get it right in spite of the nonsense heaped upon them by their parents?”
No. Not always, and not right away, even when they do get it right. I would have been a lot better off if I’d been able to accept queerness, including my own queerness, as okay at a younger age, and the only reason I couldn’t do so earlier was having been taught “there’s something wrong with that” by my parent.
adamsj asks: “What do you do in the workplace when people try to sell you Boy Scout merchandise?”
I’d be interested to hear others answer this question, too. My response is procedural and substantive. Procedural: whatever you say (and I realize this is pretty obvious), be as polite as you can be. Confrontation will only evoke a defensive response, and is likely to alienate your coworker. So be nice.
Substantive: “I’m sorry…I’m not comfortable supporting the Boy Scouts in light of their policy on homosexuality, so I won’t be able to buy any.” The amount of regret in your voice will probably be determined by your taste for popcorn (or whatever product they’re selling).
And by the way, when your coworkers who are Girl Scout parents come hawking cookies, remember that the Girl Scouts do not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, so helloooo thin mints.
Parenting can play an important role, but doesn’t it seem like the smart kids just get it right in spite of the nonsense heaped upon them by their parents?
Sadly not. Peer pressure can be a major factor, I’ve been quite shocked by some of the “group wisdom” I’ve had to discuss with my kids.
I agree about #5. Making kids aware of “differences” and making the “differences” unspectacular are very effective complements.
And I must confess that however much I complain about the gender-specificity of Happy Meal toys, I’ve been the bad guy for #3 at Christmas in the past. 🙁 No more…
Thanks for this post. One question, going back to the beginning — how would you respond to a child who says “The way you throw is so gay”?
I was lucky, in this case, as the person in question also had a daughter. Those new fudge cookies–yum! But it’s good popcorn, dammit.
Rob Cottingham poses “One question, going back to the beginning — how would you respond to a child who says ‘The way you throw is so gay’?”
I’d probably start by asking my child what she meant by it. I might ask where she heard that use of the word “gay.” Dollars to doughtnuts somebody at school said it. I might use the situation as a chance to talk about stereotypes. Depending on the age of the child, I would probably talk a bit about homophobia, and how “gay” as a catch-all insult both expresses and spreads homophobia. And I might encourage my child to brainstorm a bit about how she could respond if she hears the word used that way again, even role playing a bit to let her practice words that feel right for her (my kids have told me the chance to practice difficult conversations can be helpful — especially if they need to stand up to someone who is excluding or bullying other kids).
My fourth grader has already heard other kids use the word “gay” as an insult and has wanted to discuss it with us. Fortunately it came up that way, and we didn’t hear it repeated in his own mouth.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard this or variations on it. As a teacher of elementary school through to high school students, I encounter situations like this quite regularly. What I think the best response is, is to ask for meaning. Attempting to push your views on the child will not work. Telling them they “shouldn’t say things like that” without any discussion is superficial – and of course, punishment is useless and ultimately conterproductive. They may follow your orders, but our job as parents and teachers is to teach, not command. What we want is to have the child reflect on what they are saying and get them to see what it is they are actually saying and how it impacts others around them.
Here is a typical situation at school – note that the word “gay” often gets used upon seemingly benign things like inanimate objects or activities –
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Child: That game is so gay.
Teacher: I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘the game is gay’?
(And at this point the conversation often ends after a long pause – this is often the case when I hear this from an older student’s mouth. But sometimes it goes further – often with the younger children)
Child: Umm…
Teacher: Why is the game ‘gay’? What do you mean?”
Child: Umm…I dunno.
Teacher: Surely you know what you meant – you were the speaker. What did you mean by ‘gay’.
(pause)
Child: Umm… it’s stupid.
Teacher: I don’t understand. ‘Gay’ doesn’t mean stupid. Do you know what ‘gay’ means?
Child: Umm…yeah.
Teacher: Then why would you use the word ‘gay’ to mean ‘stupid’?
Child: Umm…(shoulders shrug).
Teacher: Do you mean that you don’t like the game?
Child: Yes.
Teacher: Well that’s okay – I don’t think the game is very good either. But why do use the word ‘gay’ to describe the game?
Child: Umm…I dunno.
Teacher: How do you think others may feel when you use the word ‘gay’ to describe something?
Child: Umm…I don’t know…I…umm…
Teacher: Well keep it in mind that there are many people who feel hurt and sad when they hear the word ‘gay’ used to describe something as ‘stupid’.
Child: (Silence)
Teacher: Do you realize that many people are hurt when you say this?
Child: (Silence)
Teacher: Do you know why people are hurt when you say this?
Child: Umm…(silence)
Teacher: You are insulting who they are. How would you feel if someone insulted who you are? Would you feel happy or sad?
Child: Sad.
Teacher: Can you keep that in mind?
Child: Umm…what do you mean?
Teacher: Can you keep in mind that using the word ‘gay’ as you just did was not only an inaccurate way of describing how you felt, but also hurtful to many people – gay or not.
Child: (Silence)
Teacher: Do you understand why people are hurt when you use that word in that way?
Child: Yeah.
Teacher: So where do we go from here? What should we do?
Child: Sorry.
Teacher: Don’t worry about apologizing. What should we do from now on?
Child: Not say that things are gay.
Teacher: That’s a good start, but it’s not enough.
Child: Huh?
Teacher: Can you pay attention to what you are about to say and how that may make others feel?
Child: What do you mean?
Teacher: When I say ‘pay attention’, I mean considering the consequences of what you say before you say them – how they may affect others – being sensitive to the many differences that are present in people. Does this make sense?
Child: Umm…
Teacher: Basically, be aware of your speech – what words you use. You can hurt people with words – without even being aware you are hurting people.
Child: Sorry.
Teacher: Again, apologies are not necessary. We all say hurtful things sometimes but we can best fix that by paying attention.
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Dialog like this often cuts off at the point of a question by me. Sometimes the dialog goes for quite some time. I find the high school students (mostly the male ones) are most resistant to answering my questions honestly. The younger students almost always attempt to answer sincerely. During a ‘Theory of Knowledge’ class this year I ran a lesson using a ‘bomb-shelter dilemma’ where students had to pick what people (based on very limited descriptions) would be allowed to take shelter. On that list was a homosexual doctor. There were ~4 boys in the class (of ~16) who chose not to vote the doctor in simply because he was gay even though his background made him an obvious and rational choice. Granted, this ‘dilemma’ is completely unrealistic but it served its purpose well to bring out our various biases and then have them discussed by the whole class. Unfortunately, I failed to convince these particular students that their belief that homosexuality is a ‘mental disease’ is unfounded. Even though they could not explain to me what they meant, they felt more comfortable keeping their belief.
Just a note. I re-read my “dialog” and should have added more “(pause)”s after the teacher questions. It sounded more like badgering – I had it in mind that this dialog was going quite slow. We should give children the proper time to attempt to respond to our questions. And if they can’t, try rewording the questions. We should avoid badgering or speaking with anger when trying to communicate with others. I still find myself making that mistake every now and then.
I have two little kids and if they ever said something like that they’d be standing in the corner for a very long time, same as if they hit or used a four letter word. I can understand why a teacher would have to reason with an older child, but as a parent, I’d just send them to their room. In my house that kind of thing is not allowed.
Lisa Williams:
And when they are finished standing in the corner? Then what?
And when they are finished in their room? Then what?
This is the same kind of crap that George Carlin has be screaming about since the 60s….
Open source is a great thing, why is open language shunned?
“Your are the shit!” is now a complement
“Thats Phat” is also complimentary
That throw was so gay is not a statement that the throw engages in sodomy with another throw of the same gender. It also is not a statement that the throw is happy and lighthearted. It has a new meaning…
Language evolves, some evolves into more complimentary terms and some into less complimentary useage. Attempting to hold back that tide is not only futile, but silly as well.
This kind of rubbish is the same line of logic aimed at stopping sports teams from being named the Indians or the Braves… what a bunch of pretentious overly-sanctimonious asses people are for that line of thinking. As if calling a team The Bears was anti-animal rights or calling a team The Reds was anti-communist.
Wake up and find something more important to argue for or against… like open source for example. Its a big disingenous to say on the one hand that open source is good and control of the public domain is evil while at the same time claiming open language is evil and draconian control over how people express themselves is good.
If someone throws a baseball much the way Charles Nelson Riley would…. whats the best 1 sentence description you could give of that event: “Wow, that throw was pretty gay”
That isnt a negative about Charles Nelson Riley’s sexual preference… heck most of the younger people who would use the term “gay” in that context arent even old enough to know the definition in the sexual context. Its taken on a meaning of being effeminate and unmanly.
Anyone familliar with actual gay sex would have to be aware that it requires plenty of masculinity as a base component… they arent talking about that… they are talking about Charles Nelson Riley throwing a ball.
You know I laughed, I cried – I love that post right up until the bit about CNR throwing a ball. I don’t get the impression you were talking badly about Charles and I myself love the guy, he was always my favorite match, In fact I consider Paul Lynde the working man’s Charles Nelson Reilly… oh wait, I thought I had a point.
Yeah, I used to be pretty offended when people would use “gay” like that as well. But after having this rather pointless discussion (sort of like the one scripted above except most often with older kids) and after hearing gay and lesbian friends use it, I really think that ship has sailed. “Gay” (also sometimes spelled “ghey”) just doesn’t mean what it used to — anymore than another certain inflammatory epithet embraced most wittily by one standup comic named Dave Chappelle.
Perhaps one day we can look forward to a Harvey Feirstein sketch of equal (ahem) “flair.” Or maybe one about a gay white supremacist who is so in denial about his gay-ness he doesn’t realize he is gay.. well, you get the idea.
why does each and every attempt to organize some kind of alternative to corporate monopolies and modern day slavery get bombarded by the gay regime? I find it very disconcerting that there can be no ‘alternative’ that is not in essence fueled by gay rights. The fact that our country and our culture sees no other point to life then pointless erotic foreplay is an indication of a very very sick culture. The fact is that the only sizeable group who is both educated, monied, and generally disliking the establishment is the gay activists. There is a curious relationship between the rich and powerful and thier gay and promiscuous children. Lessig, are you sure you want to be a gay rights activist and dilute an otherwise brilliant program to a peacable and economically just future? Your personal issues understood, don’t let your past mold your future! Please dont let us down Larry! Do you want bill gates laughing all the way to the bank while your faithful followers discuss the definition of ‘gay sex’ and the purpose of marriage? get back on schedule!
the best way to have open dialog with children is to bring them to pride parades, festivals and make gay friends. expose them to the gender bending, drag costumes and sexual orientation options. children can opening learn from seeing for themselves. this is so much a part of my family life that i can’t imaging trying to have family discussions that discusses sterotypes that are outlined in this posting for a gay friendly family. 1-10 is list of suggestions are so for heterosexuals [that are homophobic] and have no idea how to start talking about sexuality or how to reply.
i would love to know how many people who have responded or posted comments are gay. it seems to me that-if not everyone- is heterosexual that has commented.
” i would love to know how many people who have responded or posted comments
are gay. it seems to me that-if not everyone- is heterosexual that has
commented.”
I’m not gay, but I’m also not heterosexual.
I like to touch myself. does that make me an autosexual? can I marry myself?
it just all feels so horribly political correct and dehumanizing. sanitized for comfort, selfrighteousness and zenophobia.
can’t you use queer instead of gay for starters, and “I am so happy and honored that you’ve told me you’re gay, and I want to support you in any way I can.” does make me want to run, it just sounds creepy.
i can see that for a straight audience who have no clue or contact with anything queer in their lives this list might make sense, but it is rather weird if you do. i think the question of how you foster your kid not to become a zenophobe is by not being one yourself. just not, not in any way. no secrets, no lies, no closets, no fear
“Relentless”:
“Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits” – George Carlin
He’s a great stand-up comic! I remember listening to him a lot when I was a teenager. It’s great when people use language in a safe/liberating way that can be hurtful in other contexts. Contexts such as the intentional direction of anger toward a particular individual. Or the harmful indirection of anger toward a particular group of people (my ‘that game is gay’ example).
There are no bad words, only bad intentions. I do believe Carlin said that too. I wholeheartedly agree with him.
When one overhears students/children use the word ‘gay’, one must obviously take into consideration the context. And when a student clearly uses a term ignorantly which in turn perpetuates/validates an intent of condemnation toward a particular group of people, one must call that student on their use of language. One must talk to them. Is it not ethically questionable for a teacher/parent to shrug and say “oh that word has no power anymore – the meaning is all over the place so no harm, no foul”. I’m appalled that names like “George Carlin” and “Dave Chappelle” are being thrown about – both brilliant comics. The context a stand-up comic has in relation to his/her audience however, is completely different than a child psychologically striking out at another child or toward a particular group.
“Relentless” goes on:
Of course not – it is not nearly as benign as you suggest. To sensitive people (yes, there are many still out there) it is a statement that says “you who are throwing like a weak woman does so because you engage in sex with other men.” In fact, if you look at the proclamation, you see a strong condemnation not just of being gay, but being a woman as well. “Relentless” goes on to prove inadvertently…
With young children/students this is generally the context. The younger boys invariably mean it as an insult (intent) via the “weaker sex” stereotype.
So you go on to say that we should –
Not even the marginalization of women is as important as “open source”? (your suggested topic of ‘greater’ importance)
Geez, and I thought *I* was overzealous about FOSS…
———————————
poptones:
No, your ship has sailed. It is not about being “offended”. I’m talking about adolescent age and younger. Are you a child? If so, I am mum this day forward. If you are not, do you remember what it is like being a child? Children who are 12 years old and are experiencing interests in sexuality that are condemned by society are generally not “offended”. They are downright frightened. Wouldn’t you be?
So what question is one to ask a 12 year old child who, unaware of proper context, insults a group of individuals – say women, or blacks, or homosexuals?
“Did you mean it like Dave Chapelle means it?“
No, I don’t think so…
Peter, it can’t be the fact that they’re frightened that motivates you to correct. If that were it, you’d recognize that the interrogation dialogue you sketched up above would absolutely terrify most 12 year olds.
And your latest post suggests that if a child says “you throw like a girl” they’d also get the same interrogation treatment. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what would happen. We’re not quite as sensitive about being sensitive to differences, and all that, on some issues (and of course some differences must positively be stamped out!).
I was a little confused by Jennifer’s No. 2 item, particularly the suggestion that one would “want to raise your child to value the content of character rather than the shape of the body? If this is true of friendships when they are young, maybe it can also extend to romance as they grow older.” Is this a suggestion that sexual preference is changeable, or not? I can’t help but read this as a suggestion that, in a hypothetical just future, individuals would choose their partners on gender neutral criteria. But surely that’s not what’s intended–or if it is, then surely we can have a talk about whether that’s what “fairness” requires.
Anon: I don’t know what Jennifer would prefer, but yes, I do hope that in the future individuals would choose their partners on a gender-neutral basis.
To all y’all discussing “that’s so gay”, a friend of mine over at rage for breakfast suggests a new meaning for “gay”. Instead of a pejorative adjective, Lucy suggests that we begin to use “gay” consistently as part of the prepositional transitive-verb clause “to be gay for”, meaning to really like. For example, I enjoy most Japanese food, so I might say that “I’m gay for sushi”.
It’s hard to remove a meaning. And some pejoratives that have become complements — “pimp” comes to mind — are still misogynist and problematic. I do use “gay” as a positive: “That shirt looks really gay on you. I like it.” Or, “His swagger has this weird femininity to it. Is he gay?” Or, speaking about a spin-the-bottle event with all guys, “This game is so gay.” But I use it with esentially it’s traditional meaning of implying a sexual orientation identity. I’m not going to wait for “this game is so gay” to become universally positive, because it will be saddled too long with the conflation of implications that “gay is feminine” and “feminine is inferior”.
Anon said:
When there is fear, is it not imperative that we are honest with that fear and then discuss it so as to understand it with the intent of ridding ourselves of it?
I’m not sure why you classify questioning a student on his/her meaning of something said as “interrogation”. I’m also curious as to why you have the perception that a child would be frightened by such dialog. Surely if we are patient and gentle we can discuss without making the child feel as if they are being atacked or punished. So when a child says “you throw like a girl” what do you suggest should be done? Nothing? How would a dialog go if you were in the position of an adult?
When comments like “that is so gay” or “you throw like a girl” are made, they are born from ignorance and fear.
Please, I’m open to suggestions. I don’t have the answers but as a teacher/parent, it does not feel right to ignore such comments.
Sorry to be such a pedant, but my first impression was that this was about raising a gay child who is also friendly. How about “gay-friendly”, hyphenated like “environmentally-friendly”?
John Rynne is right. We really mean it in the sense that he says — that the child will be friendly to things gay. That could of course include being gay, lesbian or bisexual him/herself, and feeling good abou it.
This discussion is unbelievably close to something I have expereinced:
Growing up, I had a gay uncle (still do actually) and I will never forget a certain incident that happened when I was about 12 years old. I was discussing my school baseball team with him and how the board of education had switched the rules from fastball to slow pitch. I actually said “yeah it’s so gay” exactly like that.
Well I wasn’t in the least bit homophobic growing up and was pretty close with my uncle so I didn’t mean anything at all against gay people. The fact is that it had just become common schoolboy slang.
It was subconcious – but the second the words left my mouth I hated myself for saying it. Ever since then I’ve always wanted to talk to him about it, and apologize, but I have never brought it up.
Anyways, now I always call people out when they use that word in a negative context.
Didn’t Hillary Rodham Clinton write an entire book about raising gay-friendly children called “It Takes A Village People”?
Mark:
I understand this. I think those who have never loved a homosexual before might be more prone to accepting “schoolboy” slang. I often used the same sort of ignorant speech when I was in my elementary school years and then became more aware of what I was saying once I realized I loved someone who was gay. I don’t remember when exactly – but I stopped using the term gay (or fag, homo, etc…) in a negative context sometime during my teenage years. I don’t know, but it’s plausible that to this day I would still be doing it if I had never had any sort of close relationship with someone who identified with anything other than heterosexuality.
If one loves even a single non-heterosexual, surely then will words like “gay” cease to be used in a pejorative context.
I wish my parents and the parents of everybody else would have read this and followed it. It would have made my teenager years less sad.
Thanks for finally writing about > Love, Family, and Fairness, or How to
Raise a Gay Friendly Child | Lessig < Liked it!