Imagine that one day you hear your child at play say to another “The way you throw is so gay.” It seems “gay” has become a catch-all insult. How do you respond?
You could just let it pass. After all, home and family should provide a refuge from the clamor of the outside world. Gay rights are fine, you might think, but social change is something that happens out there, in society, not within our walls. Then again, maybe social change must begin at home. Many heterosexual people –even those who avoid political activity — have become allies in the struggle for civil rights simply by the way they talk to their children. Want to join them? If so, read on for ten things you might say if you want to raise a child who can love, accept, and — as fate might have it –even be a happy person who is gay.
1. “Some day you might meet a special person and decide to spend the rest of your life making a family with him or her.”
Thousands of parents each year learn that their children are gay, and then recall with pain the ways they may have embarrassed or shamed their children simply because they presumed the kids were heterosexual. We who have children who are still young have the chance to treat our children the way many of these older-but-wiser parents wish they had treated their own. We can assume that our children might be straight or gay.
2. “We think you should choose your friends by what they’re like on the inside and how they treat other people, not because they are boys or girls.”
We don’t claim that you can engineer your kid’s sexuality. But think about it: don’t you want to raise your child to value the content of character rather than the shape of the body? If this is true of friendships when they are young, maybe it can also extend to romance as they grow older.
3. “Look, son, Santa brought you just what you asked for: a princess dress!”
Don’t freak out if your daughter wants to be Robin Hood or your son wants to be Cinderella. Subject to your child’s inclinations and tastes, buy clothing and toys without regard to gender (this can be a challenge, since marketing is often shockingly gender specific).
4. “In some places, two men or two women can get married, and some churches and synagogues also celebrate religious weddings for these couples.”
If your daughter comes home from school and says, “I love Betsy so much we’re going to get married!” resist the urge to tell her, “girls can only marry boys.” When you talk to your kids about marriage, describe the current state of affairs accurately, but also help them aspire to a future that is more just.
5. “Uncle Bill likes to date men rather than women.”
Talk with your kids about the LGBT people in your life (relatives, coworkers, neighbors, fellow church members). Answer questions in ways that are simple and matter-of-fact: “Uncle Bill has fallen in love with Joe and they want to be together for the rest of their lives.” Let your kids know that these romantic relationships make Uncle Bill feel happy.
6. “Did you know Harvey Fierstein is gay?”
Broadway giant Harvey Fierstein (better known to kids as the voice of “Yao” in Disney’s Mulan) is only one example of openly gay, prodigiously talented people recognizable to children. Cluing kids in to this diversity is a good thing. We know, we know, “Heather Has Two Mommies” has become short hand for a sort of earnest multi-culturalism that some find easy to dismiss. But remember: Education Secretary Margaret Spelling threatened to cut funding for the PBS children’s program “Letters from Buster” because one episode featured a family headed by two women. In such a world, parents who care about diversity may have to be a little more deliberate.
7. “I’m sorry, son. We can’t join the Boy Scouts because they discriminate against gay people.”
Instead of the Boy Scouts (now famously on record for anti-gay policies), consider the YMCA, Campfire Boys and Girls, or Jewish Community Centers (here is a longer list of kids’ programs that do not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation). If you belong to a group that excludes people or treats them differently because they are gay, either quit or work for change — and let your children see you doing that work.
8. “Is this a ‘welcoming’ house of worship?”
Does your house of worship welcome and affirm LGBT people? Does it countenance openly gay clergy? How (if at all) does it treat issues of human sexuality in religious ed or youth group discussions? You can get involved with your denomination’s national LGBT group and learn how they are working for liturgical or doctrinal reform. If change is not possible and you remain within the fold, at the very least you need to tell your child that your conscience leads you to reject anti-gay elements of the religious doctrine.
9. “Is this school willing to hire gay teachers?”
What will your child learn about homosexuality at school? Explore the curriculum (if any) on puberty, sexuality, or reproduction. Find out if the school library contains resources on sexuality that will be helpful to kids who have questions. Does your child’s middle or high school have a gay-straight alliance? Believe us, parents who don’t support gay rights are asking these questions all the time. Make sure your school hears from a gay supportive perspective, too.
10. “I am so happy and honored that you’ve told me you’re gay, and I want to support you in any way I can.”
This final statement might be the most important of all.
You don’t have to carry a sign, march in a parade, or fly a rainbow flag to support gay rights. You can take small but crucial steps along your daily path, especially in your decisions as a parent. Granted, there’s a lot about sex, sexuality, and politics that’s way too complicated to explain to young children. But that doesn’t mean gay rights issues are taboo. Children understand three things very clearly: love, family, and fairness. And when you get to the heart of it, these values are what the gay rights movement is all about.
Jennifer Gerarda Brown
